OK, this one really, is a final blast from the past. Santa's elves promise you a new blog post for Christmas...
Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
I know it's been a few years since I've written. Thankfully, you haven't forgotten me. The vacuum sweeper you brought in 1986 was truly splendid, as were the ones you brought in 1993, 1998 and 2004.
I'm not writing to complain (I've already written to Hoover twice). I do appreciate your continued generosity and thoughtfulness. Household appliances don't come cheap, I know, and besides--any guy who's willing to clean up after eight reindeer who've consumed 1,000 tons of carrots in a single evening is OK by me!
Anyway, thought I'd get a jump on all those greedy children. Although I must pass on the Twilight action figures this year, I've been thinking a few toys might be nice after all this time. Sadly, my mother sold off many of my favorites at garage sales ($2.50 for a prime condition Easy Bake Oven? I still haven't forgiven her). And my sister DC confiscated all my Barbies to use as voodoo dolls (I was too terrified of her to complain).
So, here is a list of my favorite toys from my childhood, which I've concluded would have new purpose and merit for a middle-aged woman. If the elves can't make these, Wal-Mart probably sells them cheap, and I promise not to tell the unions where you got them:
1) Sting-Ray Bike with Banana Seat: Because why is it that, as our butts grew bigger, the bike seats grew smaller?
2) Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots: After forty-five minutes of listening to a client's rants, even a pacifist wants to knock someone's block off.
3) Mystery Date Game: But don't bother including the "Dreamboat" in the white tux. What a goober. Give me the scruffy-looking "Dud" date. Yes, by my age I should have learned my lesson, but there’s still something about those Bad Boys…
4) Easy Bake Oven: Cooking's never been as much fun since; the calories in bite-sized cakes are surely too paltry to matter, and I need to make peace with my mother.
5) Creepy Crawler Oven: Can you make the goop liver-flavored? Because goopy edible creatures probably don't have the same horrific crunch as the live moths and spiders my cats now enjoy eating.
6) Magic 8 Ball: I'm way tired of making important decisions. I'd rather leave it up to the wisdom of a toy plastic ball. Sherry: "Shall I get that colonoscopy?" Magic 8 Ball: "My sources say no." Well, OK then!
If you can't bring all of these, a gift card would be fine. But no gift substitutes please. My vacuum sweeper, when I last used it a month ago, appeared to be working fine.
Love,
Sherry
FEELING BAD ABOUT THE TOYS YOU MISS, POINTING OUT TO YOUR READERS I REPLACED THE MAGIC 8 BALL RECENTLY. CAN'T FIND THE CREEPY CRAWLER SET FOR THIS CHRISTMAS BUT WILL WORK ON IT FOR NEXT.
ReplyDeleteI love it! With the exception of the Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots, we had all those toys and the bike with the sissy bar, apehanger handle bars and banana seat.
ReplyDeleteI got in trouble for melting crayons in my sister's Easy Bake Oven. And I used to love to play Mystery Date with that door in the middle. Wow, what a trip in the Way Back Machine.
The Creepy Crawler kits were the best things ever. My parents would never get me one, probably because we used to chase my mom around the house with the ones we made at our friends houses.
ReplyDeleteNot-So-Anon: Don't get me the Mystery Date game either. I hear-tell you can now play a similar game--with real people--online.
ReplyDeleteLisa: Ooh! A Way Back Machine! Now THAT'S what I really want!
Bluzdude: And do you remember Incredible Edibles! I totally forgot about those when I wrote this post. They were like fruit gummies shaped like worms and spiders. Sadly, it appears they not only caused queasiness but also cancer. Go figure.