FINAL REPORT CARD FOR LENNON 'DEMON KITTEN' STANLEY
Grading Period: What Felt Like Freaking Forever
Geography: B+
Improvement shown. Has finally grasped knowledge that the entire indoor world is not a litter box.
Foreign Language: C-
Able to speak fluent Squeakish but still fails to translate into standard Meowese.
Science: A+
Has mastered the biology and chemistry of hairball production.
English Literature: D
Seems to believe the newspaper is intended solely for chewing into pieces to be spit upon the carpet. Extra credit given since our paper is The Toledo Blade.
Math: F
Has difficulty solving basic story problems such as this: Sherry has three cats. In a moment of weakness, she adopts one more. If "Y" equals the amount of work each original cat required, what is the algebraic equation for her total amount of work adding the new cat? (a) 3Y+1 (b) 3Y+Y (c) Who the hell knows, since Sherry flunked high school algebra (d) an infinite amount of work, multiplied by many sleepless nights (e) both c and d.
Art: A-
Demonstrates creativity with use of materials, particularly shredded rolls of toilet paper.
Home Economics: D
Fails to understand basic meal planning, such as cat chow is provided for cats and dog kibble for dogs.
Health Education: D
Doesn't grasp standard grooming techniques. Efforts at hygienic success are hindered by shedding copious amounts of hair and by delighting in chomping chunks of fur out of others.
Gym: A+
Climbs exceedingly well on counter tops. Excels at the 100-yard dash, especially when chased with a spray bottle.
Final Comments: Doesn't respect personal property or play well with others. Deficiencies are somewhat overcome by ability to appear sweet, through innocent wide eyes. Purrs adorably when treading one's chest at 4 a.m.
Student is graduating against teacher's better judgment.
Your turn to grade Sherry: "B" for Benevolent or for Brainless? Any stories about your own Pets from Hell? Anyone wish to adopt an adorable renegade cat?
Ha! Keeping in mind many of the most successful entrepreneurs of our time were horrible students, I have a feeling Lennon has a bright future ahead. Although his outlook has clearly been stifled by his environment, it is clear he can pee outside of the box.
ReplyDeleteA for Absolutely Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteI remember the time I was trying to train our wedding-present cat to stay off the kitchen table while we were eating---or at least while the spray bottle was in reach.
One morning, before caffeine, I grabbed the sprayer and shot myself twice in the face. He fell off the table, laughing.
Showed him . . .
MSB: "He can pee outside of the box." Best line of the week!
ReplyDeleteSarah: Haha! Well, at least you succeeded in getting him off the table...
Congrats on the new cat and yay you for giving the little renegade a home! Maybe you need a 14 year old crabass cat to keep this one in line? Let me know.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I am not known for my tolerance of cats, anyone who gets an F in Math is a friend o mine.
ReplyDeleteMy loving, eldest cat, MENA...licked a LOT of paint off of the walls when my EX and I were painting a house. She became violently ill for days. And since that was in 2006 she still has trouble keeping down food and I should buy stock in carpet cleaner as she quite often vomits up her food all over.
ReplyDeleteI will trade you.
She is a talker in the middle of the night, loves to claw at the furniture and thinks everything in the house is hers.
Lyra: Thanks for the thoughtful offer, but I'm gonna have to pass. My 12- and 13-year-old crabass cats can't keep this one in line.
ReplyDeleteDownith: So guess you can be chummy with both the cat and me...
Amanda: What did you do, poison the poor thing with lead-based paint?
I am the pet in this house and the cat is Elmyra. I can't wait for spring weather so she'll shift her attention to the great outdoors.
ReplyDeleteour cat is named zebra and it avoids me as much as i avoid him (probably because i keep referring to him as a she because in my warped head all cats are females and most all dogs are males).
ReplyDeletewe once had a black lab named elvis who suffered from epilepsy and died after a series (or clusters) of seizures one afternoon just minutes before our real estate agent was supposed to show our house to a prospective buyer. I called her sobbing uncontrollably, "Can we please reschedule the showing? Elvis just died in our backyard."
It's kinda funny now, but at the time, I was a MESS.
Great post!! I've been without a pet for several years now. But when Maya was living she had a habit of slipping her collar and taking off. It was spooky to come home and see an empty collar at the end of her line.
ReplyDeleteDeb: I'm not sure what I was thinking when I referred to the cats as my pets. I had that totally turned around. Thanks for the correction.
ReplyDeleteAmy: Yes, I'm sure you were sobbing at the time--I'd have been a total mess too. But I'll bet that real estate agent is still telling her version: the "Elvis died here" story.
Paul: Ooh... that's a really eerie vision! So, now you're petless? I do have a cat to spare...
We have no critters except for the children. However, I did have the most adorable Cocker Spaniel many years ago. When he was two, I left him with my boyfriend for a few days, and when I came home the couch and loveseat were - well, eaten. A+ for devotion, but a dismal fail in the Respect for Property category.
ReplyDeleteSherry, that was hilarious! Loved it. Sounds like this kitty has been quite the, well, challenge. I have a rescued dog that, in the first year (the first days, really) changed our entire household. The first day she ate my best eye glasses. Then she started biting people, so now we give her anti-anxiety drugs. It's been interesting. But we Love Her, which I'm quite sure makes us the crazy ones.
ReplyDeleteAveril: I don't know, in retrospect you discover a lot about ex-boyfriends. You sure it was the dog who ate the furniture?
ReplyDeleteTeri: So you are now the owner of a Doggie Druggie? And does this help? The vet mentioned medication as a possibility for Demon Kitten, but he's hoping the cat will just grow out of it...
I laughed so hard at this. I have a friend for Lennon. They can squeak and merp to each other. Perhaps they can skype.
ReplyDeleteI start my week with your blog and there wasn't your usual. I hope the blogs don't have a blight and hope you're just taking a brief break.
ReplyDeleteDistal/your Cleveland fan
Lisa: You must not care much for this family feline of yours. Though Lennon may only cause minimal physical damage through skyping...
ReplyDeleteDistal: No blight--just a blip. Look for me now on Thursdays.