FINAL REPORT CARD FOR LENNON 'DEMON KITTEN' STANLEY
Grading Period: What Felt Like Freaking Forever
Improvement shown. Has finally grasped knowledge that the entire indoor world is not a litter box.
Foreign Language: C-
Able to speak fluent Squeakish but still fails to translate into standard Meowese.
Has mastered the biology and chemistry of hairball production.
English Literature: D
Seems to believe the newspaper is intended solely for chewing into pieces to be spit upon the carpet. Extra credit given since our paper is The Toledo Blade.
Has difficulty solving basic story problems such as this: Sherry has three cats. In a moment of weakness, she adopts one more. If "Y" equals the amount of work each original cat required, what is the algebraic equation for her total amount of work adding the new cat? (a) 3Y+1 (b) 3Y+Y (c) Who the hell knows, since Sherry flunked high school algebra (d) an infinite amount of work, multiplied by many sleepless nights (e) both c and d.
Demonstrates creativity with use of materials, particularly shredded rolls of toilet paper.
Home Economics: D
Fails to understand basic meal planning, such as cat chow is provided for cats and dog kibble for dogs.
Health Education: D
Doesn't grasp standard grooming techniques. Efforts at hygienic success are hindered by shedding copious amounts of hair and by delighting in chomping chunks of fur out of others.
Climbs exceedingly well on counter tops. Excels at the 100-yard dash, especially when chased with a spray bottle.
Final Comments: Doesn't respect personal property or play well with others. Deficiencies are somewhat overcome by ability to appear sweet, through innocent wide eyes. Purrs adorably when treading one's chest at 4 a.m.
Student is graduating against teacher's better judgment.
Your turn to grade Sherry: "B" for Benevolent or for Brainless? Any stories about your own Pets from Hell? Anyone wish to adopt an adorable renegade cat?