Thursday, April 14, 2011

Mercury in Retrograde

We interrupt our normally scheduled blog programming to vent and rant and moan and bitch.

These are the events of our last few days:

We pay the $143 traffic ticket for the car accident which was *apparently* our fault.

We also pay the carpet cleaning company (we choose not to read the exact amount on the credit card receipt) for steam-cleaning the one-year-old carpet which they cleaned just two months ago but which has now suffered the wrath of an exploding jar of salsa brought about by an unnamed individual whom we may--or we may not--allow to live.

We venture to the post office to sign for a certified letter from our insurance company that is written in such horrifically standard legalize that we read it three times before finally comprehending the meaning, which is that they may--or they may not--cover the estimated $2,000 damage to the other car in the aforementioned accident, because we may--or we may not--have reinstated our coverage for the winter-stored vehicle we were driving.

We dwell on this possibility from approximately 2 a.m. to 5 a.m., finally concluding that if indeed we are responsible for these damages, we can pay for them by scraping the bottom of our savings account barrel which we had planned to use to replace the huge arched window that somehow managed to simply drop out of its second-story socket and crash to the ground.

We experience a fleeting glimmer of hope that perhaps a portion of one of these costs can be covered by our 2010 tax return, about which we are awaiting word from the accountant who is currently mulling over our likely incomplete paperwork.

We receive a Fed Ex package from our accountant, THIS VERY SAME DAY, indicating that not only will we not be getting a tax return but we actually owe $1,500.

Finally, we discover our happy little goldfish has chosen today to float belly-up.

Is Mercury in retrograde? Did a black cat (which we unwittingly neglected to adopt and add to our residential petting zoo) cross our path? Are we being penalized by some higher power for that incident back in third-grade when we reached under the bathroom stall and stole our classmate's loafer that was dangling from her foot?

Sigh. That is all.

Stay tuned next week for our regularly scheduled program.

And now you expect some sort of inspirational and idea-provoking questions? Nah. I got nothing. You may--or you may not--choose to leave a comment.


  1. Shit shit shit shit! My your Friday the 13th end immediately!

  2. Teri: Hmm... Looks like we have a Friday the 13th four weeks from tomorrow. I'm not getting out of bed that whole damn day.

  3. Sherry,

    Egads, woman. Were you kicking nuns down the street?

    How horrible. I'm sorry for your madness and hoe all of the shoes have dropped. Please, oh please don't decide today is a day to make chili. Eat out, have a cocktail.

  4. you just made margarita mix out of lemons. thanks for the catastrophe cocktail. we wish you had a paypal tip jar on your blog...

  5. Lyra: I never kicked a nun, but I did cause a few to regret their habits. (Har, har. The bad jokes never end over here.) Yes, cocktails and no chili tonight. Good advice.

    DC: Your pledge acknowledgment is forthcoming.

  6. someone needs to invent a coctail called "Kick-A-Nun" now!

  7. Loved this post, hated your bad circumstances...wish I could make all the bad stuff go away. Praying for positive energy and better times. Lori

  8. DC: I just now trademarked the name and recipe. I will certainly make millions and, after paying all these expenses, expect to have enough left over to buy you (and Lyra) a drink in return.

    Lori: In lieu of hard cold cash from the IRS, I will gladly take your prayers. Thank you.

  9. Holy crap, my friend. That's more bad than anyone one We should have to handle. I want to say that this must be the dark before the dawn, but you know that's not my kind of thinking. Instead I'm inclined to holler Look out! for whatever maybe coming next.

    Yes, I was raised by a man who lived by the motto "Expect nothing, you'll never be disappointed." In your case, some nothing would be good. At least it's not bad.

    Will you take a well-intentioned hug?

  10. Hugs, prayers, good wishes -- and I'm going to dig out that "financial-blessings" candle my sister gave me, write your name on it in Sharpie, and melt that sucker down.

    Keep us updated -- we worry.

  11. As soon as I stop laughing at your hideously hilarious nun joke I will comment....

  12. Lisa: Haha--you're right. Expecting nothing might be highly optimistic!

    Sarah: Aw, thanks for your concern. No worries though. Some weeks are just rougher than others. If every week was birthday cake and ice cream, what would we write about?

    Amanda: Letterman called, and he wants to use that joke.

  13. Gotta love those accidents that are "apparently" your fault. I have had two such accidents and though the authorities were forgiving and assured me that no ticket would be issued, the insurance companies don't take tickets into consideration. Then you end up paying them back five times over what the repairs actually cost in increased premiums. I am CONVINCED it is a conspiracy.

  14. You are NOT in Good Hands when the other driver has All-State. I was driving along the isle at Walmart, excited to be saving 25 cents on Play-doe, when an idiot came out of his PARKING SPACE and hit my car. All-State decided it wasn't his fault that he decide to pull out in front of me. Next time I pay the full 50 cents for my Play-doe.

  15. I'll second Teri's shit-stream and add one more. What a day.

  16. Anon #1: Can we claim "conspiracy" on next year's taxes?

    Anon #2: How does it work legally when you're in a store parking lot? I thought I heard the police don't even get involved if an accident occurs at a business. So did the insurance company get to decide who was responsible? Or did they leave that decision up to Freida, the Walmart head greeter?

    Averil: "Shit, shit, shit, shit" has become my new mantra.