Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Lost and Found: A Tale of Bad Kitties

Once upon a time, there was a cat known as Neurotic, Unbelievably Timid and Stupid (NUTS). He was neurotic, unbelievably timid and stupid. This is his story.

Late one night, NUTS follows his brother, Bold And Delinquent (BAD) cat, into the kitchen. The door to the garage is cracked open, and the outside garage door open as well.

"Holy shit!" cries BAD cat. "We hit the motherlode! Let's run for it! Think of the adventures that await us!"

NUTS cowers. "But who knows what's out there? We could get in big trouble!"

"What are you, a scaredy cat?" growls BAD. "A fraidy cat? A pussy?"

NUTS cat tucks his tail between his legs and follows BAD cat out the door.

Several minutes later, Sucker Animal Person (SAP), snoring in bed, hears a shout. "The cats got outside!"

SAP, who has tossed off her nightshirt after her last hot flash, throws it back on and runs out. She reaches the yard just as BAD cat is caught in the beam of the flashlight. He scurries back to the garage and disappears inside the house.

NUTS cat is nowhere to be found.

SAP roams the neighborhood for days."Here, NUTS cat! Here kitty, kitty, kitty," she yells. She crawls on her belly, peering under trees and neighbors' decks. She plasters flyers on lampposts. She walks the dog through yards and fields, hoping he might catch NUTS' scent. She shakes a can of cat treats as she wanders, chanting, "Treaties, NUTS cat, treaties! Come get some treaties!"

The neighbors sigh and shut their windows. SAP envisions the terrified, starving cat--lost and lonely--and sadly sniffs.

Finally, SAP spies eyes glowing in the darkness under a neighbor's deck. "Oh, NUTS cat, it's me, Momma! Come here, baby!" she cries.

Apparently paralyzed with fear, NUTS cat doesn't budge.

SAP convinces Friendly Neighbor Lady to help scare NUTS out with a garden hose. They corner him into a spot where SAP can just barely reach him. She yanks him out by his paws. NUTS cat thrashes in her arms. He chomps down on her hand. Repeatedly. SAP loses her grip and drops him. NUTS cat escapes into the night.

SAP bandages her bloodied hand. Cursing but persistent, she sets a live trap baited with catfood. She keeps station outside, watching across the yard and awaiting the prodigal cat.

Soon after, the trap snaps shut! SAP rushes to claim her prize but discovers she has caught--the neighborhood stray. She is greatly displeased. Stray Kitty, who hisses as she opens the trap, is equally pissed-off.

An hour later, SAP finds the same friggin' stray inside the trap. She admonishes him as he sulks away. Clearly, more than one stupid cat roams the neighborhood tonight. She resets the trap.

But stupid cats aren't the only animals drawn to catfood, SAP quickly discovers. Big, frightfully mean raccoons are, too.

The trap is carefully released and relocated to SAP's front porch. NUTS must still be nearby. SAP hopes his brain is larger than it appears.

At four a.m., the dog--a failure as a bloodhound but still a loyal watchdog--barks once.

The AWOL cat is captured.

NUTS goes nuts in the trap. He flails and foams at the mouth. Once the cage is carried inside and opened, he flees up the stairs.

Relieved but exhausted by the eight-day ordeal, SAP collapses in bed. Minutes later, NUTS peers through the doorway.

"NUTS," she calls lovingly to him. "Come here, little NUTS."

He saunters across the room, hops on the bed and plops beside her. He purrs.

"You neurotic, unbelievably timid and stupid cat," she mutters. "Sure. Now you come when I call you."

Any bad dog or bad cat stories to share? Anyone want a neurotic and wayward kitty? Do your neighbors think you're nuts, too?


  1. Love this, Sherry! I may just have to share this one with the kids.

    My dog once peed on a stranger while waiting for the light to change. I wasn't there but my mom loved to tell the story. I remember always feeling so mortified by it. I didn't want to ask at the time but I remember hoping she offered to pay for his dry cleaning.

  2. Very funny Sherry, even for this non-cat person.

  3. My parents replaced us kids with a doberman-coon dog mix named Wolfgang Amadeus. He was a toothy, palm-sized wigglebug at first . . . but he growed. And growed.

    He beat the siding off the house with his tail.

    He carried the outdoor cats around in his mouth (gently and under their orders---he was afraid of them). When he tried it with the geese, there was an incident.

    When Dad had the big oak tree pruned in the back yard, Wolf played toss by himself, with the workman's chainsaw.

    He failed obedience school twice (but got it the third time).

    When the living room ceiling was redone, Mom asked the workmen why they were tramping through her house to the basement stationary tub instead of using the outdoor spigot. "Lady," one of them said, "your dog drank two buckets of plaster."

    He loved everyone. Relentlessly. He would have opened the house to the neighborhood, if he'd had the opposable thumbs, but most strangers found his affection threatening, so it worked out all right.

    He was a good bad dog.

  4. The worst part is how NUTS kept SAP from enjoying a Friday night on the town with some new friends. So inconsiderate...

  5. NUTS was most likely trying to hitch a ride to Georgia. He may have got wind of a crazy cat lady out there who is the pied piper of cats...

  6. MSB: Ha! I'll bet that guy's expression was priceless! And I'll bet from then on he kept a safe distance from dogs at street corners.

    Downith: I'm a cat person, dog person, guinea pig person, take-the-spider-outside-instead-of-squashing-it person. A major SAP. *sigh*

    Sarah: Love this! What a great book it would be! And Betsy said she's looking for a good dog book...

  7. Bluz: Exactly! That alone has the cat grounded for life.

    Lyra: Does Crazy Georgia Cat Lady Lisa have my four cats (and one dog) beat? I will GLADLY relinquish my title. And she can have the wayward cat, too.

  8. Who are you kidding? NUTS heard about a party next door, went to it, got drunk, and didn't want to tell SAP. So NUTS turned it around to make SAP feel like a bad mommy. It was all BAD's fault, because he's the one who told NUTS about the party!!!


  9. Anna: Pet peer pressure. Damn. Just when you think you raised them right.

  10. My cat Whisper lived to be 22, so we had a long history together. I'll never forget the time I returned to my apartment after spending a weekend away with my boyfriend to discover cat poo on the wall. HANGING ON THE WALL. She must have walked her back feet up against the wall and then took a crap, and it stuck.

    Oh, cats.

  11. That was so dang funny I read it twice! I'm still laughing. And I forwarded your blog link to all the cat lovers I know.

    Do my neighbors think I'm nuts? Hell yes. No, really, that's a HELL YES. When we adopted Lucy --- aggressive, charging at everyone, Lucy --- our Australian Shepherd, I think the neighbors were pretty pissed. They were scared of her. And rightly so. She was a scary dog to everyone but us. We adored her! But she was a dangerous dog. I'm pretty sure they all thought we should get rid of her, but instead we trained and drugged and managed her as best we could. Until she finally bit someone. And yes, that's how she met her end --- we had to put her to sleep.

    I think a party was thrown on our block when we put her to sleep. Sad, yes, but I'm sane enough to understand their thinking.

    So what did I do? I got ANOTHER dog. A puppy this time, sure, but 2 neighbors have seen me out with her and not said a word. I get it. They have disdain for my dog love.

    But ask me if I care.

    If I had the property, I'd have a few rescued horses, a bunch of barn cats, and at least 10 dogs. I'd sit out on the porch with my dogs every evening with my glass of wine and be perfectly content. Let 'em talk.

  12. Laura: *Hee* Are you sure she wasn't trying to surprise you by painting a welcome-home mural?

    Teri: I am so, so sorry you had to go through that with Lucy. She was VERY fortunate to have you. And I'm proud of you for giving another dog a home. The main thing holding me back from adopting a couple more is cold cash. If someone offered to pay food and vet bills--and came over to vacuum twice a week--I'd probably be a Certifiable Pet Hoarder.

  13. our cat, who is named zebra, comes and goes as he pleases and has a life all to himself. he's really only here for the unlimited catfood supply and odd places he finds to sleep.

    he's more like a roommate you don't really hang out with than a pet.

  14. My friend asked if I wanted to adopt a kitten that showed up on her mother's farm. Me: sure! She brought me a box full of huge cat with a huge hate for males. Cat hated men. My boyfriend came to visit and was sleeping on sofa. In the early morning hours he came and woke me and told me he was leaving. Just like that. I thought for sure the guy proved he was only after you know what until he admitted later that the cat had climbed up and peed on his head.

  15. Amy: You mean one of those freeloading roommates who plops himself on the couch and doesn't pitch in for rent? Oh, wait, no. Those are our children.

    Deb: So which did you get rid of, the cat or the boyfriend?

  16. I'm so glad all of you have pets so I can enjoy them vicariously and not have to clean any litter boxes or throw out pairs of chewed-up shoes. Or bandage any bloody hands.

    Loved this, Sherry. You are one funny chick.

  17. Averil: Oh, yes, I forgot. Animal-less Averil. Come into my den, my friend. And pay no attention to that mewing behind the curtain...

  18. I read this to all SEVEN cats. They think it had the purrfect ending.

    (Help me!)

  19. Lisa: You know, that stupid stray cat needs a home...

  20. What a funny story! Thank you for sharing it. I'm glad it has a happy ending :).

  21. chinese herbs cause fatty liver chinese herbs cause fatty liver chinese herbs
    cause fatty liver

    Also visit my web page - natural remedies for non alcoholic fatty liver