Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Lambchop, We Hardly Knew Ye

Am taking a cue here from a character in my current novel-in-progress, who contemplates how her obituary might read. Feel free to add your own comments and memories. Special bonus: As of tonight, I'm still here to read the Guestbook!


Sherry Stanfa-Stanley passed away peacefully last night, an ancient bitch who lived far longer than she deserved.

She was born in Toledo, Ohio, a city immortalized by John Denver and a mayor who proposed relocating deaf people to the airport.

Her parents already used up their favorite girls' names. So they entrusted their youngest daughter's lifelong personal identity to her two- and three-year-old sisters. They named her after puppeteer Shari Lewis. She forever regretted not being dubbed "Lambchop."

In her youth, Sherry possessed a great sense of adventure. Tragically, this quality managed to escape the Girl Scouts of America, the St. Patrick's seventh grade basketball team and Junior Achievement, all which booted her before she made her sure-to-be landmark contributions.

An alumna of Toledo's E.L. Bowsher High School, she anticipated the day a statue--presumably entitled The Truant Student--would be erected in her honor. Instead, the school board voted to raze the building.

Redeeming herself at The University of Toledo, she somehow graduated with honors. She later took pride in the fact that she was never technically fired from a job.

Sherry excelled at editing, due to her love of pointing out other people's mistakes. She also wrote several books, masterpieces which would have topped the New York Times Bestsellers List and won the Pulitzer, if only she'd received an effin' publishing contract.

She was indulged by a few and whispered about behind her back by the rest. Those who knew Sherry well said she never met a margarita she didn't like.

She is survived by family members who wish to remain anonymous, as well as 213 dogs and cats.

In lieu of flowers, Sherry requested memorial contributions be made to Hoarders Anonymous or the International Movement to Ban Bad Speling.

Services will be held at her own bedside on Monday at 2 p.m., since Sherry despised getting out of bed, and nothing pissed her off more than being nudged from a dead sleep before noon.


Son #1 tells me I have a sick sense of humor and this post is bad karma. So, what are the odds I'll be hit by a bus tomorrow? Any details or memories you care to add? How do you envision your own obituary?

28 comments:

  1. Snort. I love this to bits and pieces. You need to add, "Impressed Betsy Lerner, who immortalized her on the Big Blog, where she'll remain, suspended in the ether, forever."

    Now go knock on wood!

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  2. Nothing better happen to you before the first week in August... I'm looking forward to adding a paragraph or two to your obit.

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  3. Averil: Ah, that Betsy and her nice words. Do you think she regrets that nicety yet?

    Bluz: I promise to be on my best behavior for the next month and a half. Relatively speaking.

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  4. Ha! You do have a sick sense of humor and I'm loving it! Anyway you can include Grandma Stanfa and Bruno? Seems only fitting they make an appearance, even if only in passing (no pun intended.)

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  5. Sherry carried her expired Sam's Club picture I.D. as to boast one of her past club affiliations.

    Toni

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  6. MSB: Yes, I should definitely mention my wonderful grandparents. Although I hate to mar their reputations.

    Toni: EXACTLY! Sam's Club welcomed me. And I was twenty-pounds thinner in that photo!

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  7. omg. are you as addicted to hoarders as i am? (i realize this has nearly nothing to do with this most funny post, but seriously, do you watch it nonstop at night? because i CANNOT stop watching it.i'm sick. i'm afraid i'm so into it because i have a something in my head that knows at any given time, something's going to flip and my husband will come home one day unable to find his way to our living room.)

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  8. Sherry,
    I can't tell you how much I look forward to these posts. You are so fabulously funny.
    You and I are going out for drinks one of these days.

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  9. Amy: I've seen the show only once. It scares the hell out of me. I'm fully certain the producers are on their way to my house at this very moment. I can only hope they're delayed for a few days at your place.

    Lyra: Thank you! And I will be sure to thank you again in person, especially if you're buying.

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  10. You've inspired me --- I'm going to write my own obituary and send it (prepaid) to the newspaper to hold in the event, etc.

    That way, my family won't be able to do a thing to halt its publication. I'm not gonna take it with me --- I'm gonna leave it behind with an evil laugh . . .

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  11. Oh Sherri - I'm hilarified at this post. (I actually thought I had just made that word up but googled it and it's in urban dictionary, with the meaning I made up for it which only proves there is nothing new in this world.)

    And what a trip down memory lane for me - Junior Achievement!I forgot all about that dark entrepreneurial period of my life. And Lambchop!

    That's about the billionith time one of your posts have taken me back. Thanks.

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  12. Sarah: Ha! Mailed and prepaid? With no fear of bad karma? You have chutzpah, my friend. I'm most impressed.

    Downith: What did you make in Junior Achievement? And I've never heard the word "hilarified" before, so I'm giving you full credit for it.

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  13. Two things, one I forget, the other was a googly eyed fridge magnet. Fun times!

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  14. Not bad karma at all. Seems pretty good actually, you can also add something in there about Diet COke. They would be angry if you forgot to mention them in your obit.

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  15. I adore you, Sherry, whether you're still here or not. I laughed through this whole post, and I applaud you for making it your life's mission to point out other people's mistakes. Bravo!! And being as I will pass this earth leaving only 212 dogs/cats, you win.

    Mine will say, A shy kid, she barely said boo before the hormones hit. We were sure preteen Teri would be off to the convent, to study in silence. But then puberty hit and she hasn't shut the hell up since. Well, until now.

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  16. Downith: I hear those are hot sellers on eBay.

    Amanda: Ha! I actually deleted a line that read, "She died with a red pen in one hand, a Diet Coke in the other."

    Teri: "She hasn't shut the hell up since. Well, until now." Best line ever! If you don't use it, I'm stealing it.

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  17. You kill me!

    Now please, write mine. If I can't have a funny obit, I'm never going to die.

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  18. Lisa: Sorry, but I can't be responsible for putting the nail in your coffin. Please just live forever and keep entertaining the rest of us along the way.

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  19. Awww! Come on! I promise not to use it for a long, long time.

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  20. Sherry, I love it, I keep telling my kids when I die to bury me upside down or "ass up" so the world can kiss my ass...

    Yves Tooson

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  21. Lisa: You do realize my knowledge of your personal life is limited to the snippets you've disclosed on your blog, and so I will be forced to make up absurd and atrocious stories about you? Hmm. Am reconsidering here...

    Yves: (Snorting out my Diet Coke.) If not in your obit, please PLEASE be sure that is printed on your tombstone.

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  22. Just remember to include something about how I got my cats to stage reenactments of The View and the rest is gravy. I trust you. Reinvent away!

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  23. I just hope mine doesn't end in a version of, "...and then her 27 cats proceeded to eat her face."

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  24. Laura: Oh dear! Perhaps you should consider a business arrangement with Lisa. If she can train her cats to stage talk show reenactments, perhaps she can train yours to not eat your face.

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  25. I love this! I'm very concerned about the future of the 213 cats and dogs though. (And why no ferrets?)

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  26. Margo: I so appreciate your concern! I will rewrite my will tomorrow and grant you ownership of all of 213 of them. Sorry about the lack of ferrets. (They'd surely be a little snack for Ringo.) P.S. Thanks, BTW. Your terrific workshop idea for my novel gave me this idea for the blog post.

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  27. Sherry, thanks for the cats! I try to cover my cardigans with as much cat fur as possible, to achieve a true writer lady look, so they will be very welcome here.

    I'm so glad it helped! Your novel is terrific already!

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  28. Margo: Thank you! Here's hoping others think so...

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