Thursday, December 1, 2011

An Open Letter to the AARP

Dear AARP,

I am overcome with gratitude at your kind offer--thank you! I've not been guaranteed admission into any organization since the Girl Scouts, which ended badly when my sixth grade troop leader revoked my membership.

Just a few things I'd like to clarify:

I understand your formal name is no longer the American Association of Retired Persons. This is good to know since I am not now--nor will I likely ever be--retired. According to my financial calculations, I shall be working until the day someone gleefully pries my cold, stiff fingers from my computer keyboard.

(Which reminds me: Is there any organization for people whose retirement or permanent leave, in any form, is among their coworkers' daily prayers? If not, you should seriously consider establishing something called the AAIP--American Association for Irritating Persons. Membership would be by nomination only, and would likely number in the millions. Trust me on this.)

But if retirement is no longer an AARP prerequisite, is your new admission criteria based solely on age? Or is actual maturity a consideration? If so, would I be precluded by the fact that I recently spent an entire evening giggling at fart jokes?

And pray tell, if not for "retired," what does the "R" in AARP now stand for? Responsible, refined and resplendent? Or more along the lines of ragged, rickety and rambling? I can't say I have ever been labeled "refined," but I am told (especially after leaving voicemails for my children) that I do ramble. On and on and on. Please confirm this requirement before I mail my $16 check.

Finally, your invitation claims an AARP membership will help me "make the most of life over 50." This promise is quite appealing. I can only assume it to mean my benefits will include a weekly housecleaning service, copious amounts of liquor and a hot pool boy. If not, I suggest you hire a new membership director who better understands your target market.

In closing, I thank you once again for your generous offer. I await your prompt response, before you have any chance to reconsider.

Sincerely,

Sherry


Is retirement in your near or far-off future? Are you refined, resplendent, rickety or rambling? Anyone you care to nominate for the AAIP?

26 comments:

  1. Rickety, definitely rickety. And I nominate every Maryland driver in front of me for charter membership in the AAIP.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Gah! And she's back, folks!

    Sherry, I am making it my mission in life to find out what you can do with this humor. You need a bigger freakin' audience. I don't know if you get that the majority of the world is not as funny as you.
    For the record, I started getting AARP statements when I was in fourth grade. Later on I wondered if it meant someone had stolen my identity, but by now I figure that they hadn't had much luck with it. Stupid bastards.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm with Lyra. Any chance you'd do stand-up?

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm with Lyra and MSB --- stand-up comedy. Or even sit-down comedy!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sherry, this is genius. Cast me in for another vote for stand-up--but in the meantime, I think this is bound for print--I implore you to send this out into the world. It says it all and perfectly.

    Oh, Girl Scouts. Did anyone actually join to learn--or was everyone like me and just joined up thinking they would get free cookies (which we didn't, by the way. And if our mom's had anything to say about it, we couldn't even buy an extra box! Geesh!)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Bluz: Must be something about those drivers beginning with "M." Maryland, Michigan, My Mother. (JUST KIDDING, GLO! Sorta.)

    Lyra: Aw, thank you. That's a great mission you have going there. Please let me know how it's working out for me.

    MSB: Hmm. You used to do stand-up, right? And you survived? You'll need to fill me in.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Funny, but I have to ask - $16? and !!!!!!!

    When I worked for them, the membership fee was only $8. Times are indeed tough, I guess.

    I was a member in my mid and late twenties. Comped, of course, as am employee.

    As for the Rs, I could offer some suggestions, but as they are still on my resume, I'll defer to the other commenters for now.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sarah: Thanks. How about lying-down comedy instead? Or better yet, slouched-over-the-bar comedy?

    Erika: Damn Girl Scouts. Talk about a group that did not appreciate my humor. Son #2, however, is an Eagle Scout, so maybe the scouting world is finally coming to its senses.

    Lisa: Really? I had no idea you used to work for them. I'm guessing the $8 increase is to cover the cost of the pool boy.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I did. For five years. The best job I ever had and I was an idiot to leave it.

    Now I'm going to continue trolling their careers page hoping that they'll post an open position for Pool Boy Auditioner.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I used to get in SO much trouble in girl scouts...I was asked to not come to a few meetings along with my best friend, we were rowdy.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Do I extend my congratulations or my condolences?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lisa G: They'd be lucky to get you back--especially in that role, at which you'd surely excel. Probably best to not use me as a reference.

    Amanda: This is why we should never sit next to each other in staff meetings.

    Lisa T: Does either come with a housecleaning service or copious amounts of liquor? (It appears Lisa G is already working on finding my pool boy.)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I was under the impression the AARP age was 55, which already seems too young....50 is even more surprising! Also, Lisa, you were a member because you worked there, but does this mean people of all ages can join? Maybe it would be fun to pull out my AARP card at parties. Also, I have a soft spot for AARP since their members helped me do my taxes every year for free when I was in college. Plus, everyone on their website has this perfect silvery hair. That would be an improvement for me.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Laura - My beloved AARP Tax! I loved those volunteers. The age is now 50 ( I KNOW! So young!) Staff is given an honorary membership no matter what the age. With limited benefits. Actually, it's been a long time. I wonder if they still get a membership. And, I should add, when I worked for them, the age of 50 seemed way, way far away. Yipe!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Laura: I never knew AARP members offered a free tax service for college students. That's fabulous! I wonder if they do the same thing for mathematically challenged writers.

    Lisa G: Yes, I remember when 50 seemed way, way far away. These days, I'm having the same thoughts about 90.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I used to think AARP was 65 and over. And then my husband got his Invitation To Join! on his 55th birthday. This was a very sad invitation for the poor man.

    And isn't 50 the new 20?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Teri: 50 is the new 20? Have they hired you as their new marketing director? I think the pool boy auditioning gig sounds more lucrative, but you'll have to fight Lisa for it.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I have an office full of candidates for the AAIP--I hardly know where to begin. Could I trade the whole crew for Toby the Pool Boy?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Averil: Your workplace wasn't far from my thoughts when I dreamed up the AAIP. But sorry, Toby is all mine.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Sherry you crack me up. I'm sort of retired and I have gray hair but I get squat for that.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Bobbi: Hey, I wouldn't say you got squat. All that age and experience (plus talent) got you a publishing contract, didn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  22. I think this is why we should never sit somewhere where we can make eye contact at staff meetings!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Amanda: You do realize that every time we are now together at a staff meeting, I will be searching you out across the table and stifling a giggle. Yes, that's how mature I am.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Housekeeping, liquor and a hot pool boy! Good grief, I can't wait to retire! ;)

    ~Ashlee
    http://ashleesch.com
    http://theDragonsHoard.bigcartel.com

    ReplyDelete
  25. One of my good friends got her invite this year. We laughed about it and fart jokes (of course) over coffee the whole morning. I might not laugh so hard when my comes.

    ReplyDelete