Hello! Oh, it's you? Thanks for stopping by again! I would love to address each of you by name, except a crapload of you frequently stop by without introducing yourselves. What's up with that? (I'm talking especially to you, anonymous readers in Canada, the U.K., and Chase Bank.) (Regarding the latter: Please reassure me you're not just my creditors.)
Not that I mind your dropping in that way. (Unidentified guests are better than no guests at all). But I'm hoping this week will be different: I am told this is "International Blog Delurking Week." The theory is that formerly shy readers, or those who have apparently been afraid that commenting here might tarnish their image, will finally break down and let the rest of us know you're lurking out there, by leaving a comment.
Yes! Please do!
Why? I'll give you ten good reasons.
Top Ten Reasons for You to Delurk on This Blog
10) All commenters receive a free, personalized response, so your life will *finally* be complete!
9) My regular commenters are bound to start finding something more interesting and worthy of their time, such as cleaning the litterbox or sorting out their Tupperware drawer, and where will that leave me?
8) You will not be contacted by any third-parties, including insurance salesmen, vinyl siding companies or Jehovah's Witnesses.
7) I'll derive great comfort in knowing a few of my unidentified blog hits are actual readers who didn't just happen upon this site by Googling, "Is the cat peeing in the bathtub unhygienic?" or "syndrome for losing keys" or "burying dead bodies."
6) Commenting requires you only to provide your name, social security number and banking information. OK, perhaps just your name and how you found me here?
5) Commenting on a blog is like Paying It Forward; you get nothing in return except knowing the world is a better place for your actions. So basically, commenting here is a humanitarian effort that you sadly can't write off on your taxes.
4) I can only guess that you non-commenters are deviant stalkers with pin-ups of odd middle-aged women on your dilapidated apartment walls, and I will be forced to hire a really cheap attorney.
3) If you are not a deranged stalker, I will have to assume all unidentifiable blog hits are the actions of that relentless George Clooney, who refuses to leave me the hell alone.
2) A blog is like a party; everyone who attends is socially obligated to either bring the hostess a bottle of wine or at least say "hello" when they show up. (Your choice. If you prefer to send me wine, I'm totally good with that.)
1) After just one comment, you will gain fame and wealth, lose ten pounds and be featured on the cover of People magazine!*
*not a lifetime warranty
Do us both a favor during International Delurking Week, won't you, and enter and sign in, please?
Are you experiencing technical difficulties when you try to comment? (If so, email me.) Should I have offered prizes, like a free, chronically irritable cat? Regular commenters won't forsake me for your Tupperware drawer this week, will you?