5:03 P.M.
THE DRIVER: I apologize for the long delay, folks. Totally out of my control. Looks like we'll be heading through Chicago in the middle of rush hour, which can't be helped. And if the WiFi doesn't work, there's nothing I can do about it. So now, just sit back, relax and enjoy your ride!
THE FRETTER: Oh my God! Why do you think the bus ran so late? What if it's a mechanical problem? I hope we don't break down on the turnpike! Do you think we'll have to wait until it's fixed? Or do you think they'll send another bus? I hope they remember all our luggage if we have to transfer! My medication is in my bag! I really, really need my medication!
THE TALKER: (nudging me) They always run late. And the WiFi never works. My sister-in-law's mother's friend works for the bus company, and she once posted on Facebook that...
THE EATER: (Rips open bag of Cheetos. Selects one. Chews loudly. Swallows. Crumples bag shut.)
THE MOTHER: Joe-Bob! Put those pants right back on!
THE BABY: *howl*
6:15 P.M.
THE DRIVER: (swerves into other lane)
THE FRETTER: (reaching across aisle to grasp my hand) Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Did you see how the driver just missed that semi? I wonder if she's ever even driven a bus before! Do you think she's new? Someone should ask her if she's new. I'll bet she's new!
THE TALKER: Well, then I told the CVS clerk that if I ever get a tattoo...
THE EATER: (Reopens Cheetos bag. Selects one. Chomps. LOUDLY. Scrunches bag shut.)
THE MOTHER: Jody-Mae! Stop sucking on that lady's elbow this very instant!
THE BABY: *HOWL*
8:36 P.M.
THE DRIVER: (Pulls over to side of highway. Heads to back of bus, where she spend ten minutes talking to passenger in hushed tones but with very animated hand gestures.)
THE FRETTER: What's going on? Can you hear what they're saying? It looks like they're conspiring! Do you think they're terrorists? Do you think we should gather everyone together and come up with a plan?
THE TALKER: But trust me on this, I follow all the Republican candidates on Twitter, and so I can definitely tell you...
THE EATER: (Opens Cheetos bag. Searches thoughtfully. Selects just the right one. Chews. Chews. Chews. Closes bag.)
THE MOTHER: Jizzy-Sue! I said get away from that steering wheel!
THE BABY: *HOWL* *giggle* *HOWL*
9:47 p.m.
THE DRIVER: Well, we're just twenty minutes away from our stop in Toledo, folks, but first we're going to pull over here at this next plaza for a half-hour or so. Could be longer. I can't say for sure.
THE FRETTER: Why do you think we're stopping? Do you think we should get off? Do you think it will be safe to get back on? Should we grab our luggage?
THE TALKER: ... which is totally ludicrous, and I should know, since my mother was Catholic and my father was Jewish, and ...
THE EATER: (Opens Cheetos bag. Chooses one. Chews, as if every bite is amplified throughout bus. Closes bag. Reopens it. Pauses. Closes it again.)
THE MOTHER: Jehovah-George! How many times do I have to tell you, we do not eat chewing gum from the bottom of the bus seat!
THE BABY: *HOWL* *HOWL* *HOWL* *HOWL*
11:06 P.M.
THE DRIVER: Well, here we are in Toledo, folks. Again, sorry for the delays. Hope you enjoyed your ride, and that you'll travel with us again soon!
THE FRETTER: Why do you think the police were at the plaza to meet us? Do you think they went through our luggage? Do you think we should report this to the bus company? If I report it, do you think I'll have to give my name? I'm afraid to give my name.
THE TALKER: So, wait, I never caught your name. Hey, we should exchange phone numbers! And I'll be sure to friend you on Facebook! Do you tweet?
THE EATER: (Opens Cheetos bag. Dumps the rest into his hand and swallows. Crumples empty bag shut. Drops it on the floor.)
THE MOTHER: Are we all here? One, two, three... eighteen, nineteen, still counting...
THE BABY: (sound asleep)
Any roadtrip stories you care to share? Who's up for the next bus ride with me?
Oh man! You took the Megabus with the Duggars?? HA!
ReplyDelete(And the person who eats one Cheetos at a time? Not a court in the land would have found you guilty...)
Lyra: It may not have been the Duggars, but it was definitely their kin. And the Cheeto guy... He sat right in front of me. It would have been so easy to just reach my hands out and strangle him.
DeleteOh God. I AM the Fretter. The truth hurts.
ReplyDeleteDownith: Really? That's not how I picture you at all. You might want to check and make sure that tiara's not too tight.
DeleteI will go anywhere with you, Sherry, WiFi or not.
ReplyDeleteWe will observe everything and everyone and elbow each other and exchange evil glances and scribble notes to each other and write up the results.
And then I will fall asleep and you will blog about my epic snoring.
Sarah: I contemplated taking notes, but it felt too Harriet-the-Spyish. Now, if you had been there to pass them to, it would have been a different story! BTW, there WAS actually a passenger I called The Sleeper, but I had to delete him when the story got too long. All he did was snore anyway.
DeleteOh, and I'm holding you to that "I will go anywhere with you" promise. I'm making a list of potential destinations. Shall we take the bus?
DeleteThe only place I have to go is Cleveland at the beginning of October. Other than that, I'm open.
DeleteRoadtrip!
DeleteSeriously, I'm with Sarah. Will you promise to come with me on my next bus/train/plane trip, Sherry? I won't need the headphones or the over-priced, over-iced drink to keep my sense of humor with you as my seating companion.
ReplyDeleteErika: Just let me know where and when. And no, you won't need the over-priced, over-iced drink. On the bus TO Chicago--made so much more pleasant by the company of the lovely Laura--we drank Bloody Marys in Mickey Mouse mugs. I promise to bring them along...
DeleteYou've captured me perfectly, in all my many facets.
ReplyDeleteMSB: Ha!! Yes, and God only knows how all those passengers might be describing ME...
DeleteI'll never resent my daughter again for listening to her headphones in the car and tuning me out!
ReplyDeleteLisa: Headphones. Damn. Such an easy solution, and yet, so elusive when I needed them.
DeleteOh my god, this was hilarious, and so representative of a bus ride. I am almost too ashamed to talk about my own trip home from Cleveland -- I took Greyhound. GREYHOUND. Wtf was I thinking? I'd originally had a Megbus ticket for Saturday, but I decided on short notice to extend my stay a day, and the Greyhoud schedule worked a lot better for me on Sunday. My thought process was, "I was going to take Megabus anyway, and yeah Greyhound takes a little longer, but it's basically the same thing." IT IS NOT BASICALLY THE SAME THING, LAURA! Next time I'll buy the $#@! $150 Southwest plane ticket and be done with it. Worst experience of my whole week, and definitely a reminder of why I stopped taking Greyhound when I was 23. I can't even discuss it. The shame. The horror.
ReplyDeleteLaura: The shame? The horror? And you're not going to share this with us? I missed you more than you can imagine on that bus ride back. And a couple of Bloody Marys wouldn't have hurt either.
DeleteI took a hell ride on a Greyhound to Ft. Wayne years ago after my patents grounded me from using the car. (I swear I don't know where that guard rail came from that was the catalyst for the grounding). The forced stops where the masses get off at Mickey Dee's To use one bathroom stahl are the worst.
ReplyDeleteLM: Oh, fortunately, we all had plennnty of time to use the restroom.
DeleteI don't want to be on a bus for any longer than it takes to get from Waterville to the Mud Hens game.
ReplyDeleteBluz: And look at the riff-raff you have to put up with even then.
DeleteYeah... either senior citizens or 50-year old drunks...
DeleteHey, wait...
Ooo, I'll go! I'll be The Baby, because five minutes into any car trip I'm either howling, giggling, barfing or sound asleep.
ReplyDeleteYou really are the funniest chick.
Averil: Um, not to sound unappreciative or anything, but I think you can stay behind. Are you any better on a plane?
DeleteWell, generally I refuse to step foot on a plane so if you're looking to escape me, it's a good getaway.
DeleteYou didn't get any weird European tourists who brought their own SEVERAL bottles of wine, and actual glass to drink from? Aw, you missed out. ;)
ReplyDelete~Ashlee
http://ashleesch.com
Ashlee: Don't know how I missed your comment until now... but no, we had no European tourists with their own wine collection. Did yours at least share? Because I believe all weirdness might consequently be forgiven.
DeleteWell I can start a check list with you but I don't have the same people just their relatives. I got
ReplyDelete**the taker but she is a woman on the phone who calls everyone she knows & talks to them. So far we are discussing the job, what we are wearing, what we ate at the plaza stop, what the choices were to eat at the plaza, how the dog is, what the children's schedules are, the birthday party the one child has, the people better not forget to pick her up from the bus, she isn't standing there for hours waiting if they forget about her, the contracts at work, how we don't know where we are & she doesn't see road signs and this started when I got on in Toledo & she didn't know where she was then either.
**the silent one, a pretty young blond sitting across the table seat from me that has not utter a word or even opened her mouth except to eat healthy snacks & put on lip stick. She has not even cracked a smile or an acknowledgement that she is not alone on this bus. But it does amuse me watching her head bob around since she fell asleep. It would make my day if she snored!!!
**The chatty one who I thought was talking to a person next to her til I realized she was sitting alone. I'm gonna assume she was talking on her phone even though it was not up to her ear. But then she did chat with another passenger at the stop & was passing her card to her with a number where she could be reached, what for who knows but at least she was talking to a person this time.
**The parade of people from the heavens....or actually the second level of the bus, who all have to go to the bathroom.
***The woman with the cell phone in her bag who can't get it out while it goes off playing an annoying "comes on the phone free ringtone"
**The poor woman who is sitting in the seat back 2 rows on the other side of the isle from me. Why do I say she is poor...not due to finances but the fact my seat faces backwards & she is in my direct line of view so every time I look up she must feel like I am staring at her. She has slept a lot of the trip & her head keeps rolling around her shoulders & she even woke herself up from snoring.
**The elderly couple who have impressed me with their supply of current electronic devises. They had ipods & phones & some other gadgets I can't actually see but their fingers seem to be dancing on something.
**Then there are the two men of opposites...one elderly & quietly enjoying his trip with amazing peacefulness on his face. He looks out the window enjoying the scenery everyone else is oblivious to. Across the isle from him a young man(kid)who has had his "shades" on the whole time while plugged into the ceiling outlet & on the other end earplugs attached to his head
**Then the is the pleasant man across from me who has not said much but is very friendly when he has spoke. Who by the way is also experiencing his first MegaBus trip.
**The wifi has worked Thank God!! And the bus driver is very nice but has not spoke except for the normal speeches. Although they did give her the bus with the worse shocks in the WHOLE bus yard!!
**I do keep hearing voices from behind, me since I am facing the rear. I'm not sure if the bus driver is conversing with someone, which on my sheet of rules is a big no no, or if the voices are coming from the heavens. You know the upper level which is a whole other story I do not dare to enter into. As I stretch to view the driver I find she is conversing a with stick attached to her head. So I guess she can talk on her phone as much as she wants as long as she is notalking t to a passenger on the bus and her hands are on the steering wheel.
So as I sit facing the back on the MegaBus I have no idea where I am, only where I have been.
Ann: HA!! OK, now I'm envisioning a fabulous new sitcom called The Bus. We'll have a cast of drivers (ala the show Taxi), the quirky weekly riders, and the occasional guest stars. So far, I'm picturing Rainn Wilson as The Eater. We need to get to work on this, so call me ASAP. Maybe a meeting next week--on the bus?
Delete