Wednesday, February 29, 2012

And Finally, I'd Like to Thank Anyone at All Who Is Still Listening

First, I will pose with the utmost grace--as anyone who knows me can attest is my normal M.O.--for my interview on the Red Carpet.

"And who are you wearing tonight?" the emcee will ask. (That other Red Carpet emcee. I plan to avoid Joan Rivers at all cost because I fear her plasticized face will finally freeze for good, and I will be forced to take over my own interview. Awkward.)

Turning and twirling for the screaming onlookers, I will reply, "Tonight, I'm wearing a gorgeous gown from Tar-Jhay."

The crowd will go wild.

"Well, it's, um, certainly unique," the emcee will say.

"Yes, indeedy. It was the last one of its kind on the store rack, marked down 40 percent!"

She'll reach a tentative hand toward my flowered frock. "Is that flannel?"

"Duh. And my matching bootie slippers are from last year's Dearfoam line."

J. Lo and Angie will look on, in blatant envy. One guess what those wannabees will wish they were wearing, three hours into this far too friggin' long show.

The ushers will quickly lead me to my seat. I'm certain to be situated in the front row, so Billy can pop down easily during his opening number to razz me. With my usual class, I'll smile sweetly and appear to take his kidding in stride. As Billy heads back to the stage, my date will wrap his arm around me, whispering his diabolical plan of revenge. I will titter with laughter. Oh my darling George Clooney and his practical jokes!

I will be asked to present an award, of course. And when I do, I will smile provocatively at the audience, hiking my gown and sticking out my right leg, to show off a little pasty white skin. When the cameraman focuses in, I will promptly cover up with my chenille robe. Such a teasing vamp I am. Besides, it's February. I can't be certain when I last shaved my legs.

Finally, my name will be called as I am chosen, among all the other nearly as deserving nominees, to accept my award.

As the crowd rises in a standing ovation, I will blink away the tears from my eyes. I will pull out my notes and commence my poignant words of thanks.

"I want to thank my fans, my children, my mother, my sixth-grade teacher, the saintly folks who make Diet Coke, my dog Ringo and assorted cats, my two Facebook stalkers..."

This much I know: If that orchestra music suddenly starts playing, in an attempt to drown me out and bully me into hurrying my speech along, I will keep right on talking.

I bought a brand new flannel nightgown for this evening. I'm going to milk this damn moment for every penny of that $6.95 plus tax.


Givenchy or Garage Sale? George or Brad? And who will you thank for your award?

35 comments:

  1. This had me in tears, Sherry! Please, please get on with that script so this will all come true.

    If I'm ever nominated for an Oscar, I'll splurge over at JCPs. And I think I'd rather hang out with Melissa McCarty than George or Brad.

    I'm thanking you guys, of course. And PepsiCo.

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    Replies
    1. George and I would love to hang out with you and Melissa! Gonna have to pass on that Brazilian restaurant for dinner though.

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  2. I will wear something consignment shop worthy and ask my good (he doesn't know it yet) friend Al Pacino to accompany me, sticking to the Italians and my age group. I will not, I repeat not, have a train as all the fashionistas did on the carpet. It is a modern miracle not one of them fell and I, on the other hand, fell in Lori's garage last week wearing sweats and tennis shoes, as I deposited cat poop in their garbage. As far as thanking, I would thank God for my award that I didn't break anything this time, my bloody nose and sprained hand ligaments not withstanding! Mom

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    1. Mom: Haha! I'm sure they'll sit you in the front, too. Right next to a paramedic.

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  3. Porcelain, dear. Not pasty. And what color/pattern did you buy? Heaven forbid we show up in the same gown!

    Who will I thank? Like Sarah, you guys of course.

    ps - Say hi to George this summer. That is the real reason you're going, isn't it? Promise I won't let the paparazzi know.

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    Replies
    1. yes porcelain, it's all the rage now since Downton Abbey!

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    2. Deb: No worries if we're wearing the same gown. Mine will take on a whole new look, thanks to the layers of cat hair.

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    3. Bobbi: *sigh* I'm really going to have to break down and start watching this, aren't I?

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    4. I haven't seen it yet. I've heard it's good.

      Btw, my gown would be covered in cat hair too. Calico. Tell me you don't have a calico.

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    5. Deb: You're good to go. I'm fresh out of calicos and don't plan to cat-shop anytime in the next, say, twenty years.

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  4. You are one of my favorite humor writers. (Along with your sister, of course!)

    This post is one of the many reasons why.

    Answers: Garage sale. George. Everyone.

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    Replies
    1. Lisa: Thank you, my friend. I would gladly repay the compliment in person, if we could ever whisk you away from Georgia...

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    2. Exactly what Lisa just said. You seriously crack me up.

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    3. MSB: Thanks. But if I recall, you're still the stand-up queen. Wish I could travel back in time to see that...

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  5. Would it be too weird to whip out a hair brush to talk into, while you're on stage?

    Also, when they try to play you off stage, you should lead an audience sing-a-long to go with the orchestra. It will work best if they play you off with "Row Row Row Your Boat."

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    Replies
    1. Bluz: Good plan! I wonder if the orchestra knows "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall." That would keep me on stage long enough to finish my speech, albeit through hand gestures.

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  6. I will thank no one for my award. I will be cowering under the bed in my Underoos, hoping no one sees the fuzzy slippers sticking out the side.

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    Replies
    1. Averil: Underoos? *snort* Do those feature pretty heavily in your newest book?

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    2. Don't knock the boy short, yo.

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    3. Averil: Oh, the lines I could--but won't--come up to follow that.

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  7. "Tar-Jhay"? Really? We seriously are somehow secret twins, Sherry. And now I want a new flannel nightgown. *grumble*

    I'd like to thank copious amounts of coffee for everything forever. :D

    ~Ashlee
    http://ashleesch.com
    http://theDragonsHoard.bigcartel.com

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    Replies
    1. Sister Ashlee: Apparently they have Target in Australia? If so, run out and get that flannel gown now--they're on clearance!

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  8. " . . . bootie slippers are from last year's Dearfoam line." LOL!

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    Replies
    1. Lisa: I know, NAMEBRAND. Did I sound too pretentious?

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  9. O.K., this is one of those posts that makes me think we were separated at birth. Clothes - on sale at the mall; Star - George (Jimmy Stewart if we are including dead ones) and I thank my mother or I would never be able to live it down.

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    Replies
    1. LM (Teri S.): Not only could I not get away without thanking my mother, I'm fairly certain she'd push George out of our place in line on the red carpet.

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  10. It's so wonderful that George Clooney is willing to put his own ambitions on hold to fully support you.

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    Replies
    1. Alone: We have an understanding. He remains secretly devoted to me, and I allow him to be photographed with female wrestlers.

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  11. i will thank you and all of our crew. i hate that i missed you this weekend--next time!

    (and this? good, good stuff.)

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    Replies
    1. Amy: Suddenly I'm picturing this like the Emmy Awards: a dozen women on stage, lined up and holding hands like beauty pageant finalists...

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  12. Fantastic!
    I have that nightgown...
    How ridiculous that we were two blocks away and this is the first I get to talk to you. (Well, except after telling you to get your ass on the red line. Teri told me it worked for you though, so phew! I was hoping it would get you there and back before I had to leave to hear a hair-raising rendition of the junior high band. I should have worn the gown...) Next time, my friend. Next time.

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    Replies
    1. Lyra: If I'd had my wits about me at all, I'd have called you as soon as my bus pulled into town, and said, "OK, what bar are you at?"

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  14. Great! I've had some great luck with the Lands End Nearly Perfect store. I don't care too much about things matching, and the quality has been good. I'm all for deep discounts. high quality egyptian cotton sheets

    ReplyDelete