Sunday, August 25, 2013

Dateless in Toledo

Can I just eat a worm again? Or maybe get another Brazilian wax?

Because either might be preferable to entering the world of Match.com.


I've not been immersed in the dating scene for a while. I haven't had a million men knocking down my door, but I've also had little interest in looking for a guy, either. I enjoy my independence and my solitude. It's a comfortable place for me, especially as a writer.

But the 52/52 Project is about venturing outside my comfort zone. And as far as unappealing, intimidating, and frightening ideas go, online dating may top the list.

I nearly backed out just while filling out the application.

Question number four: "What's your body type?" I labored over this for nearly a half-hour, took a long drive to clear my head, and finally came back to it. Probably, "slender" and "trim and athletic" should be ruled out. Other options included "big and beautiful," "curvy," "full-figured," "heavy-set," and "stocky." Huh. Um, are these not pretty much the same thing? Or, wait, is "full-figured" a tad smaller than "big and beautiful"? And maybe it's the PR executive in me, but why would I label myself "stocky" when I could be called "curvy"? Curvy it is.

Question number five: "What's your sign?" Thank God. A question I knew how to answer. And apparently one so important that it must be addressed on page one, four pages before any questions about political, religious, or social views.

Question number 5,674: "What are some of your favorite local hot spots?" *sigh* Somehow, I doubt Barnes & Noble counts.

Writing my 200-word profile took nearly two hours. I've struggled less with writing an entire chapter of a novel. Which, presumably, I cared a bit more about.  


I grumbled through the profile, trying to find just the right words. At the moment, "cheery," "optimistic," and "open-minded" were probably out of the question. I considered including "decisive." But I wasn't quite sure. 

I finally settled on this:

"More Humor, Less Drama: Humor writer looking for someone to make me laugh. Must love books and animals, since I have a houseful of both. Will watch baseball and basketball with you, if you'll watch Downton Abbey and Doctor Who with me. Happy to cook if you're willing to clean up. Looking for intelligence, kindness, and sincerity. Perfection not expected, but surely not discouraged."

Thank God I proofread it one last time before clicking "finish." I had mistyped "kindness" as "kinkness." Could have had some titillating results, that one.

Since I am able to update it at anytime, I am following up on someone's terrific suggestion that I let my readers write my profile. So, please go at it!


Meanwhile, I've been scrolling through the tabs from the guys who've "winked," "liked," "favorited," or "shown interest" in me. I'm still trying to comprehend the meaning of the jargon. Standing at the bar and having a guy ask, "Can I buy you a drink" is sounding way better by the minute.

Two days after enrolling, I finally found one that sounded intriguing. Cute, well-spoken, and probably not a serial killer. (I figured that's a bonus.) And then--boom. I see he lives in New Jersey. About nine hours away.

Hmm. I considered this. A long-distance romance might be perfect for me. A movie or dinner a couple times a year, tops. And no need to worry about the frightening potential significance of that bridal bouquet I accidentally caught last month when I crashed a wedding reception.

I "winked" back at him. 

And then I went into panic mode, searching the site for an "undo" button.

Oh, Lord. What have I gotten myself into? 

It's quite likely I'll be deleting my Match.com account tomorrow. 

But if there's a lengthy form necessary to disenroll, it looks like I may be in this for good.

Have you ever done online dating? Can I back out now, without being called a quitter? Am I likely to have a surprise visit by a New Jersey serial killer?

 

 


15 comments:

  1. I say just roll with it. Worst case scenario, you get some solid blog material out of it. And maybe a dinner or two. They hardly ever turn out to be serial killers... what, maybe 35% of the time?

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    1. Bluz: Those odds sound pretty decent. Just hope I get a couple good stories out of this before the axe falls.

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  2. First of all, of COURSE Barnes and Noble counts as a "hot spot." What else would? (Oh god. It's a good thing I'm married...I'd be hopeless.) And while I've never used Match, I adore hearing stories from my friends who do. Just remember that the disaster stories are the most fun to tell.

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    1. I am counting on a couple disasters, Laura. It's a good news-bad news kind of thing, yes?

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  3. I love your profile!

    There are some unexpected side benefits to all that query letter practice! :D

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    1. Never thought about the correlation with query letters, but you're right. And it's probably a good thing I've become accustomed to rejection...

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  4. I think the profile is perfect. And seriously - what a source for human material Match can be. I'm looking forward to the stories you'll have from it. Have you set a timeline for how long you'll "actively seek?"

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    1. I subscribed for three months. I can tell you I have absolutely NO desire of seeing it through that long. I simply couldn't figure out the damn website, and that was the minimum subscription period I found. I figure a month, tops. Or as long as it takes me to actually get a date with someone in which there's mutual interest. Hoping that's not a multi-year commitment.

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  5. It's like high school all over again! Does it like me? Why doesn't he like me? Is he too weird? Should I have left him that note in his locker? I wish I could take that note out of his locker!

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    1. Seriously. High school was far easier though. We knew for a fact that we were ALL weird.

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  6. So my husband said, just make sure his residence is not the New Jersey correctional facility. He also reminded me of two couples we know who met on match.com, so you never know! If it was me, I'd likely be headed towards cat lady status as opposed to dating online.

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    1. Terri: Yes, I've heard personal stories of lots of successes on Match.com. And even though I have four cats, I can NEVER be considered a cat lady, because it's nullified by my dog. Right?

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  7. These sites are awful things and yes it's just like high school! I registered for one, forgot about it, and am STILL sent unappetising profiles or notes daily. I could send you some Italian fauna if you like?? Xcat

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    1. Better yet, I'll just head back to Italy and check out those men myself!

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