Thursday, December 8, 2011

Holiday Hiatus

I'm taking the next month away from the blog, to focus on holiday cheer, family and friends, and finishing a book rewrite.

Hope your holidays are filled with a few of your favorite things.

See you all back here in January!



Thursday, December 1, 2011

An Open Letter to the AARP

Dear AARP,

I am overcome with gratitude at your kind offer--thank you! I've not been guaranteed admission into any organization since the Girl Scouts, which ended badly when my sixth grade troop leader revoked my membership.

Just a few things I'd like to clarify:

I understand your formal name is no longer the American Association of Retired Persons. This is good to know since I am not now--nor will I likely ever be--retired. According to my financial calculations, I shall be working until the day someone gleefully pries my cold, stiff fingers from my computer keyboard.

(Which reminds me: Is there any organization for people whose retirement or permanent leave, in any form, is among their coworkers' daily prayers? If not, you should seriously consider establishing something called the AAIP--American Association for Irritating Persons. Membership would be by nomination only, and would likely number in the millions. Trust me on this.)

But if retirement is no longer an AARP prerequisite, is your new admission criteria based solely on age? Or is actual maturity a consideration? If so, would I be precluded by the fact that I recently spent an entire evening giggling at fart jokes?

And pray tell, if not for "retired," what does the "R" in AARP now stand for? Responsible, refined and resplendent? Or more along the lines of ragged, rickety and rambling? I can't say I have ever been labeled "refined," but I am told (especially after leaving voicemails for my children) that I do ramble. On and on and on. Please confirm this requirement before I mail my $16 check.

Finally, your invitation claims an AARP membership will help me "make the most of life over 50." This promise is quite appealing. I can only assume it to mean my benefits will include a weekly housecleaning service, copious amounts of liquor and a hot pool boy. If not, I suggest you hire a new membership director who better understands your target market.

In closing, I thank you once again for your generous offer. I await your prompt response, before you have any chance to reconsider.



Is retirement in your near or far-off future? Are you refined, resplendent, rickety or rambling? Anyone you care to nominate for the AAIP?