Monday, August 31, 2009

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I know it's been a few years since I've written. Thankfully, you haven't forgotten me. The vacuum sweeper you brought in 1986 was truly splendid, as were the ones you brought in 1993, 1998 and 2004.

I'm not writing to complain (I've already written to Hoover twice). I do appreciate your continued generosity and thoughtfulness. Household appliances don't come cheap, I know, and besides--any guy who's willing to clean up after eight reindeer who've consumed 1,000 tons of carrots in a single evening is OK by me!

But as we approach fall, I thought I'd get a jump on all those greedy children. Although I'll pass on the Hannah Montana House, I've been thinking a few toys might actually be nice after all this time. Sadly, my mother sold off many of my favorites at garage sales ($2.50 for a prime condition Easy Bake Oven? I still haven't forgiven her). And my sister DC confiscated all my Barbies to use as voodoo dolls (I was too terrified of her to complain).

So, here is a list of my favorite toys from my childhood, which I've concluded would have new purpose and merit for a middle-aged woman. If the elves can't make these, Wal-Mart probably sells them cheap, and I promise not to tell the unions where you got them:

1) Sting-Ray Bike with Banana Seat: Because why is it that, as our butts grew bigger, the bike seats grew smaller?
2) Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots: After forty-five minutes of listening to a client's rants, even a pacifist wants to knock someone's block off.
3) Mystery Date Game: But don't bother including the "Dreamboat" in the white tux. He was a goober. Give me the scruffy-looking "Dud" date. Honestly, you know all girls are attracted to the bad boys.
4) Easy Bake Oven: Cooking's never been as much fun since. And I need to make peace with my mother.
5) Creepy Crawler Oven: Can you make the goop liver-flavored? Because goopy edible creatures probably don't have the same horrific crunch as the live moths and spiders the cats now enjoy eating.
6) Magic 8 Ball: I'm way tired of making important decisions. I'd rather leave it up to the wisdom of a toy plastic ball. Sherry: "Shall I get that colonoscopy?" Magic 8 Ball: "My sources say no." Well, OK then!

If you can't bring all of these, a gift card would be fine. But no gift substitutes please. My vacuum sweeper, when I last used it a month ago, appeared to be working fine.


P.S. I have been a very good girl. Well, I have broken very few commandments. OK, so at least I've never been actually indicted.


  1. I regret I sold your Easy Bake via garage sale years ago. Last month until you got your real oven repaired, you could have used it! Since your birthday is October 9th, and I already have your birthday gift, I've decided to get the Magic 8 Ball for you as a "bonus" gift. Seriously, they still sell them and I saw them recently. .... if I can only remember where!

  2. Don't worry about remembering where you saw them. Just remember that my birthday is actually Oct. 25...

  3. Iknow now where you get your sense of humor!! Oct 9!! That is funny!

    ps. Can I borrow the bike if you get it? My parents just took my sister's and painted it and put the banana seat on it--as if I didn't know it!