Thursday, May 5, 2011

Sherry's Royal Wedding

The Royal Wedding is a week behind us, yet much of the world is still nibbling scones, clinking teacups and sighing over the pomp and romance.

I slept during the nuptials. I tuned out the stream of TV reruns, choosing instead to drink beer and watch season four of Doctor Who. I didn't purchase any commemorative coins, cups or condoms--though I did contemplate the commemorative royal Pez Dispenser.

Before you label me a cynical bah-humbugger, let me explain my disinterest in this momentous occasion: I'm far too busy planning my own wedding festivities (round two, for those who are keeping track).

First, I need to work out a couple preliminary items. For example, no one has *technically* asked for my hand in matrimony. And I haven't had a real date since a downtown street-dweller offered me a drink from his bottle. But these are mere details I expect to resolve while I'm planning my to-die-for ceremony and reception.

I have no complaints about my first wedding. Yes, I suffered from a severe case of laryngitis and couldn't actually say my vows. And the groom did have to nudge me and tell me to look at him during the ceremony, since apparently my gaze was fixated on the priest, Father What-a-Waste. (Seriously, ladies: What. A. Waste.) Yet the entire event was really quite lovely, and even if the whole marriage thing didn't exactly work out, I wouldn't change a thing about that magical day.

But the second time around will be so, SO fabulous. The New York Times has already reserved a full page for coverage, and Oprah hinted she'll extend her last show date for an exclusive interview. Meh. I'm holding out for a bigger offer.

Meanwhile, I'm pleased to share some of the wedding details with you, my beloved readers.

As most of you know, I'm the traditional type. So I will be married once again in the Catholic church, if they decide to allow me back in. I'll insist the Mass be performed in Latin. It's such a beautiful language, plus I don't care to fully comprehend what I'm consenting to. And if Father What-a-Waste won't agree to be the groom this time, I hope he'll at least agree to officiate.

The wedding party is still under consideration. Positions shall go to the highest bidders. Do I hear one dollar? Anyone? Anyone? However, I do know my dog, Ringo, shall serve as ring-bearer. (Ringo. Too perfect, yes? Just cross your fingers that he doesn't leave a little offertory gift of his own at the altar.) Sadly, my father isn't here to walk me down the aisle, but I can guarantee my two sons are all too willing to give me away, especially if it means I'll never again nag them to mow the lawn.

I will forsake the gorgeous satin wedding dress and heels this time around. Shouldn't one celebrate the most special day of one's life in blissful comfort? I will be attired in sweats and my favorite fluffy slippers. My hair will be tied back in a Chicago Cubs scrunchie (2011 is the year, Cubbie fans)! Makeup will be optional, depending on just how late I happen to be running that day. Regardless, I am the bride, so people will tell me how radiant and ravishing I look!

The band for my first wedding reception was so wonderful I'd hire them again. Except I'm not up to hearing one single more rendition of the Chicken Dance or Proud Mary. So instead, we'll opt for karaoke. Wedding guests will be forced to have their names checked against my "Approved Singer List." (Sorry, Mom, but you'll be noted on my "HELL NO List.") I will likely climb on a table and belt out American Pie at least three times. The crowd will applaud with gusto no matter how off-key I am because, again (see the previous paragraph), I am the bride and this is my damn day.

We will dine on crab since it's my favorite food. Besides, when I dribble crab bits and melted butter all over my dingy gray sweatshirt, it's certain to be less conspicuous than the red blobs of mostaccioli all over my white gown at reception number one.

You are all sure to buy me spectacular wedding gifts, and I am good with that. No worries about trying to be creative. I will gladly accept obscene quantities of cash.

I've given the honeymoon little consideration. A fleeting one-week trip seems rather insignificant when the rest of my life with my new billionaire husband will be one permanent vacation. (Is it too premature to offer my boss my two-week's notice today?)

The wedding invitations shall go out soon. All I'm waiting on is a confirmation on the date. Oh, and a proposal from a prospective groom.

Please clink your royal teacups together in my honor!

And sharpen up those karaoke skills! I'd hate to put any of you on the "HELL NO List" with my mother.

(Mom, you'll still attend though, won't you? Free crab--and all the wine you can drink! Plus you're certain to want your very own collectible Bride Sherry Pez Dispenser! OK, and I promise a bit of lipstick for the occasion. But the sweatpants are totally a deal-breaker. Sorry.)

Were you glued to every moment of the Royal Wedding? Team William or Team Harry? Any personal wedding day bliss or wedding bell blues you care to share?


  1. I volunteer to sing "Green Onions."

    What... there are words to Green Onions, you just don't hear them on the record because they're only in my head. There are only 5.

    "I want some Green On-yuns, I want some Green On-yuns..."

  2. American Pie is the only song I can still remember how to play on my guitar (I had to practice a half hour a day and if I practiced that song twice I was done.) so can I play while you sing? Great Blog - my favorite line is Father What-a-Waste!

  3. Bluz: Sounds great! Can we do a duet? With just five words, these are lyrics I might be able to remember at my age.

    Gail: I am so totally pumped about this! You have no idea! Your contract is in the mail. Can I pay you in Bride Sherry Pez Dispensers?

  4. Honestly, I can imitate Justin Bieber very well. No kidding.

  5. Oh. My. God.

    I will so be at this wedding.

    I think to make your nuptials complete you should have your bridesmaids be writer friends you never met, all in Snuggies. I'm calling the leopard print, the rest can fight for the pink.

    And Karaoke. People have tried to turn off the microphone but ye who underestimate the strength of my song.
    I'm going to go practice Stevie Nicks, Sometimes It's a Bitch, right now.

    The rest of the girls can join me in a group rendition of En Vogue's "My Lovin'(Never Gonna Get It)". C'mon ladies, time for a warm up!

  6. You need your own column. This is mint.

    Of course, I'll be there, throwing popcorn in your honor!

    No, no I was not glued to the tube. In fact, I had no idea William had already grown up. I suppose he will be forever seared in my mind as a little boy hugging his mama.

    I didn't have a big wedding. My beloved dragged me to City Hall in Brooklyn where the official announced in a gorgeous lilt, "By the power INvested in me,..." It was certainly hard to keep a straight face.

  7. It sounds lovely! Will I be allowed in the church or will I have to sit on the curb and wait? Being one of those protestant heathens and all...

  8. I once knew a Father What A Waste too (sigh..)

    Most of my friends over here did watch the wedding - we watched for about 20 minutes but it was a beautiful day so we took the kids out to the forest for a walk. The Saturday papers were FULL of any and all details and loads of photos plus all the repeated coverage so I don't really think we missed much. Did you know that various media outlets hired professional lipreaders (I had no idea that was an actual profession)to determine what was being whispered in the cathedral?

  9. Thanks for starting my day off with a chuckle!!

  10. Lion: If we discover Father What-a-Waste hasn't aged well, a Biebs impressionist might be the next best thing... Thanks for stopping by!

    Lyra: You're in. And Snuggies? I can't believe I never thought of that! I'm switching out my sweats for one of those. Maybe a little taffeta around the hood.

    MSB: I'm adding the popcorn to my list. And if you and your beloved want to renew your vows that day alongside us, I'm good with that. Bring along the guy with the lilt.

  11. Deb: If they'll let me in, they'll let anyone in.

    Downith: Our news was fairly saturated, so I can only imagine how it was over there! We could have used one of those lipreaders at my first wedding, what with the laryngitis and inaudible vows and all.

    Anon: And it's Friday, so the day can only get better! Thanks for the thanks!

  12. I bid $300 for matron of honor, if I get to wear sweats AND a big honkin' butt bow.

    And I'll sing Three Dog Night's "Joy to the World" -- or not, in lieu of a gift.

    (Team Harry, Cougar Divison)

  13. Sarah: Sweats with a big honkin' butt bow? You will be the darling of the red carpet, my dear. And, as any bride will promise her bridesmaids: After the wedding, it's something you can definitely wear again!

  14. Such a nice blend of edgy and sentimenal...

  15. Anon: Thanks--and I like that combination! Maybe we invented a new nonfiction genre: Edgimental.

  16. Wouldn't it be interesting to see different bookstores 'takes' on what would belong in THAT section?!

  17. I didn't watch the royal wedding. My own wedding took place in a dark planetarium. We had a pre-ceremony animal show with a skunk and a falcon and an owl. At the reception, my husband and I drank expensive champagne out of thrift store glasses and played croquet and looked at Jupiter's moons (?) through a telescope and did the limbo with a rusty pole my brother found in the rented historic home's basement. So would I change any of that for a second go-around, grand event? No way!

  18. Anon: That could be an interesting list to come up with. I'm guessing David Sedaris would fit there nicely.

    Laura: Excuse me for a moment while I morph into Veruca Salt... but I WANT A SKUNK! What a fun event it must have been--I'd take yours over something grand and stuffy any day, too!

  19. Sherry is "Father What a Waste" still a priest, or perhaps a father now?

  20. This is such a perfect send up. I don't think you even need a groom. Just go for it! It's your damn day anyway!

    I watched the wedding, not quite glued, with my back to the TV much of the time. I guess I should say I listened to it.

    I did, however, have great fun by waking Sophie up to make her stand for God Save the Queen. She put her feet on the floor and hung off the bed. It was the best she'd do at 7a.m.

  21. Pat: OK, you got me curious so I did verify that Father What-a-Waste is still indeed a man of the cloth. Damn. And now I'm sitting here wondering if I need to go to confession for googling a priest...

    Lisa: You're right--groom or no groom, this party is on. And I do so love God Save the Queen. Maybe you and Sophie can do a karaoke version at my reception?

  22. I'm thrilled for the casual approach and I don't have to buy a "mother of the bride dress". Equally happy about the wine and crab. Yet a bit disappointed you won't let me sing (and I don't dance as much as I used to). Oh well, such is life. By the way does he have a single father! As you know I'm still a lot of fun. Your Mom

  23. It will give me a chance to break in my Pajamajeans. And,can I finally serve Mass?

  24. Mom: Oh, what the hell. Tomorrow's Mother's Day, so I'm feeling generous. We'll let you hum a few bars.

    DC: Not so sure the statute of limitations on your Catholic school expose' has yet expired. If anyone's going to be left waiting on the curb during Mass, it's probably you.

  25. Now THIS is a wedding I could get behind! Sounds like the perfect day, sweats and all. And crab! I laughed when you said you'd get married, of course, in The Church "if they let you back in" --- Ha! Royal teacups are a-clinking for you, Sherry. :-)

  26. who needs a groom when you have your favorite band, crab and wine?

    for real.

    we (my cousins and i) had a royal wedding party and all decided that we are making our own fascinators for our cousin's wedding at the end of this month. the one with the tallest wins.

  27. Teri: When I was 13, I was trying to figure a way out of church. Now I'm trying to finagle my way back in.

    Amy: Ha! So are you thinking along the lines of what Princess Beatrice wore?

  28. I have to reveal my tomboy ways, though, and admit that I have still not even seen a picture of the blessed event. I'm holding out for yours, Sherry. Maybe the hot priest has forsaken his vows and is on the prowl.

  29. Averil: Seriously? Not even a glimpse of an image on the internet news (which is how I saw Princess Beatrice's head of horror)? And as for Father-What-a-Waste, it appears he's still off-limits. Of course, he probably isn't aware that I'm available...

  30. I really want an invite to this wedding. Mostly because I want to finally go somewhere in sweats. Beautiful...