Wednesday, October 26, 2011

A Birthday to Truly Celebrate--Reprise

Battling a bout of The Crud, as well as seeing Son #1 off to his new digs in South Carolina, left me no time or energy for a new blog post this week. With yesterday being my birthday, I'm sharing a a post from last year, updated to reflect my new--and debatably improved--age.

I had a birthday yesterday. Well-meaning friends and family refer to ones like this as "special" or "big." People actually in the midst of hitting such an age call it a "Holy shit, how could this be when just yesterday I still needed a fake ID" kind of birthday.

Although my family offered to throw me a party, I declined. Some birthdays are made to be celebrated and others, simply to be had. I told them I'd rather take a raincheck, one that could be used, say, fifty years from now. Because that, my friends, will be a birthday to truly celebrate.

So, let me take this moment to cordially invite all of you--to my 100th birthday party!

Please save the date: October 25, 2061.

No need to RSVP. It's quite likely I'll have no clue if you're there or not. I may not know where I am either, but I plan to have one bodacious good time.

If you don't recognize me, just look for the four-foot-tall, prune-faced biddy wearing a strapless red dress and eff-me heels. Or else a floral shift and bunny slippers. I'm 100. I'll wear whatever I damn well want, thank you.

No gifts, please. Instead, I ask that all guests purchase Xeroxed copies of one of my unpublished novel manuscripts. These will be personally signed by the author, of course, although I may need some assistance with the inscriptions. ("What was your name again, honey? Oh, you say you're one of my children? Uh-huh. And what is my name?")

I can't spend my entire evening signing autographs though. I will be too busy doing tequila shots. At 100, I figure I can rekindle all those bad behaviors I left long behind in my wayward youth. If someone passes a doobie, I'll probably take a hit or two.

For dinner, I will eat an entire bowl of dill pickle potato chips and three pieces of chocolate cake. No one will blink an eye. If anyone dares, I will growl, "What the hell's wrong with you, sonny? Quit gawking and go get me another tequila shot!"

We will play loads of games and my guests will declare me the winner of every one, even if I nod off in the middle.

I will kiss all the babies and all the good-looking men in the crowd. I may invite the hottest guy there back to my private room, in the nursing home.

Who knew there was so much to look forward to, in our golden years?

If you want in on the festivities, please leave your name in the comments section. My mom is already compiling the invitation list; Glo does like to plan ahead. She promises to bring enough tequila for everyone. But the dill pickle potato chips? Those are mine. I'll be 100, and I shouldn't be expected to share with anyone.

Bring your own damn chips.

Wow, turning 100 is so liberating. I can barely wait.

I'm buying the bunny slippers tomorrow.

Do you want to celebrate or commiserate about your next big birthday? What's on your gift wish list? And I lied--I totally want presents too--so, what will you bring me?


  1. Happy Birthday Sherri! Did you know we're quintastic?

    (I know.)

    Hope you feel better soon. Hope I can raise a glass with you sometime. But not tequila. Flashbacks .

  2. Happy Birthday, now and in the future!

    Put me and my 23-year-old trophy husband on the list for your 100th. The newlyweds will be bringing a bag of Salt & Pepper Kettle Crisps and a gift card to Victoria's Secret for the birthday gal. And maybe the family recipe for Viagra shooters for the after party.

    My next big birthday is in four years. My older daughter will be twelve by then, so I'd like a pair of earplugs and a lot of patience, please.

  3. Downith: "Today's 50-year-olds... forgot to get old." Are they poking fun at my failing memory? And yes, we do need to raise a glass together someday. Gin and whiskey are out, too, though; I have my own flashbacks.

    Sarah: Wait, I get the Kettle Crisps and you get the trophy husband?

  4. I'll invite you to my 100th, being held 3 weeks earlier, if I can come to yours. I'll bring vodka for Screwdrivers. Can't skimp on the Vitamin C now, can we?

  5. I'm not having anymore birthdays, but I'm sure as all get out coming to your 100th par-tay! Remember that party question from Betsy's this week? Well, forget all of our hang-ups, because I bet there will be NO wallflowers. AmyG and MSB can use their tongues if they damned well please, and I'm going to go around the room testing everyone for 'new boobs' with one hand (Are those real?!") and joining you for that tequila shot (shots?) with the other.

    I'm putting it on my calendar right now. This instant. This is one event I'm not missing.

    For my chips-of-choice, I'll bring the Hawaiian-style chips and french onion dip. And I'll share with anyone who brings Cheetos or Cool Ranch Doritos.

  6. Happy Birthday!!

    I'll bring extra dill chips (oh, the love), a pallet of Cheetos, a keg of Cherry Wheat beer, and two mail-order husbands to tip you upside down for when the beer bongs get underway.
    They will be master chefs and industrious housecleaners, one a veterinarian and the other a masseuse.
    Neither will know a lick of English, but both will adore and pamper you and type up anything you care to throw their way.
    Yep, that's the way you're gonna roll, baby.

  7. Happy (belated) birthday! My birthday was a few weeks ago, and lately I just feel like I've stopped caring about tracking the years. Maybe I'll eventually forget how old I am. Though I do have to say that two people thought I was turning a year younger than I did on my bday...I was dumb enough to correct them.

    As I like to say, though, with every year we only become closer to the person we were always meant to be. And there's nothing wrong with that.

  8. Bluz: I'll be happy to share my 100th celebration with you! I'm choosing the tunes though.

    Teri: I envision this as an inhibition-free type of event. I'm guessing we'll have shrugged off most of our hangups by the time we're 100...

  9. Lyra: Hmm. No sense in hanging onto a gift you've already picked out. Go ahead and send those guys over right now.

    Laura: Good theory. I think I was always meant to be 29. Glad to know I'm getting closer.

  10. Happy Belated Birthday!

    I can't wait to share your 100th with you.

  11. I'll be there with a couple of hot geezers driving motor chairs. We can hop on with them and tool around the old folks' home, shouting "Ciao baby" at the candystripers.

  12. Lisa: I'm totally holding you to that. Still bumming about Chicago. *sigh* Maybe I'll need to hop on the Megabus to Atlanta for my 51st?

    Averil: Haha! Motorchair Derby! I'm in!

  13. Sherry: Yes. You'll get him all dirty.

    Then again, that's what Viagra shooters are for . . .

  14. Count me in!!Running around in Birthday suits, drinking,dancing on the tables, and all sorts of other fun things...Oh, wait that was last Friday's party. That's okay just count me in.


  15. Anna: Hope I get a second wind when I'm 100, because no way in hell can I handle a night like that at 50. Don't use up all your Fun Tickets before my party!

  16. I'm rsvping yes. I'll be the one with the purple hair. I never did the pink dyed punk hair when I was young so I'm going to own being a blue head. Just like Jessica Tandy in Fried Green Tomatoes. In the meantime, hope you enjoyed the lesser birthday. Happy Birthday, friend!

  17. Oh, I'll bring the geritol and prune appetizer.

  18. Deb: Gray, blue, purple or bald--what a fabulous bunch we'll be! I'm sure your appetizer will be delightful. I'll be sure to reserve extra bathrooms for the occasion.